TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of position. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have Yet another area exactly where American men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply Absolutely everyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a function being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even contain:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where by my PTSD might have change-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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